Not Now, I'm Busy

A BRIEF TREATISE ON THE HANDKERCHIEF.

By Andy Mac

 

A cold blustery English evening it was, in the midst of what many of the locals have manically come to call ‘summer time’. Taking refuge in a local tavern with two friends of lasting and quite sufferable acquaintance I found myself suddenly in need of relief. My less than robust frame had endured as much as it would bear from the shivering air that now and again penetrated even to the remote corner of the tavern we had sought out so far from the entrance. So thrusting my hand into the left back pocket of my jeans I gingerly wrapped two fingers around a knot of buttock warmed 100% cotton, and wisped it out to let fly some sweet relief for my poor overcrowded nasal passages.

Much appeased I returned my toasty companion to my left back pocket only to find gasps and sneers on the faces of my two companions. Many things were said against my faithful friend the Hanky, some of which can never be taken back. But I refuse to sit idly by and let this smear campaign rob the world of one of mans oldest and most faithful traveling companions.

And so I present this brief Treatise on the Handkerchief.

 

A strict definition of the common Handkerchief would run similarly to this. ‘A Handkerchief, also called a Handkercher or Hanky, is typically a hemmed square of thin fabric that can be carried in the pocket or purse, and which is intended for personal hygiene purposes such as wiping one’s hands or face, or blowing one’s nose. A handkerchief is also sometimes used as a purely decorative accessory in a suit pocket.’

 

HISTORY OF THE HANKY.

King Richard II of England (1377 to 1399), is widely credited for inventing the cloth handkerchief. Surviving documents written by his courtiers describe his use of square pieces of cloth to wipe his nose.

 

In more recent times the use of a cotton Hanky is considered by some (mostly the lowly educated) to be old fashioned, or ‘beige’. Preferring, like so many of the lobotomized laymen, to follow the more current trends. The trend I am referring to is of course the paper tissue. (Boo! Hiss!!)

Strict disciples of this popularization of the tissue will tell you that they are more hygienic than the Handkerchief. Now I’m not sure about all Hanky users out there but I don’t personally keep my used Hankies aside and take them down to the local orphanage for newborns to scrub clean with their faces. I tend to keep one tucked away in the back pocket until it has been used, and chuck it in the wash myself. Any contagious disease captured by it would have already come from me so risks of a pandemic are minimal, and the fact of the matter is most contagious viruses would be long dead in my laundry basket before I need handle them into a washing machine. In fact The UK National Health Service (NHS) says :

“The flu virus can live on a hard surface for up to 24 hours, and a soft surface for around 20 minutes.”

 

So, my Hanky being a soft surface, anything ‘unhygienic’ has died not long after the Hankies been returned to the pocket!

 

THE MANY USES OF THE HANKY.

Handkerchiefs were often used, especially by children, as an impromptu way to carry around small items when a bag or basket was unavailable. They could also serve as a substitute for a bandage over a small injury in an emergency. Historically, white handkerchiefs have been used in place of a white flag to indicate surrender or a flag of truce; in addition to waving away sailors from port.

 

Hanky’s can be made of cotton, silk, linen or any number other synthetic combinations whereas the paper tissue has only one source, paper, which mean trees.

Over 4 BILLION trees are axed annual to make paper products, of which the tissue market makes up 10%. My cloth Hankies come from cotton buds, or failing that a sheep, in fact with the amount of Hankies I own there’s probably enough wool left on that sheep to share with a whole mob of my Hanky toting brothers. And they will last us years, not one blow. So it goes without saying that we save a bob or two over the tissue buyer, who continues to feed a 10 Billion Euro a year scam.

 

The Literary Hanky.

The humble Handkerchief is an important plot device in Shakespeare’s play ‘Othello’. Used by the treacherous Iago to trick Othello into thinking his love has been unfaithful. Handkerchiefs also make important appearances in Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Premature Burial’, Agatha Christie’s ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ and Charles Dickens’ “Oliver Twist’  in which the Artful Dodger and Bates lift a Handkerchief from a passing gentlemen, a crime Oliver is subsequently charged with.

I can hear some of the Automatons now, barking in their garbled Darlek accents ‘But I only by tissues from 100% recycled materials!’ Well congratulations, there goes your hygiene argument jack. Your now wiping your perpetually confused expression with recovered pulp from soiled tissues, paper towels and other paper products fresh from someone else’s wheelie bin.

So to sum up the Hanky:

-       Environmentally friendly

-       Hygienic (has not been the cause of any major epidemic since its invention hundreds, if not thousands of years ago.)

-       Useful if you suddenly find yourself injured, waving off a naval friend, packing for a life as a 1920’s hobo or surrounded by the Red Army.

-       Responsible for some memorable literary moments.

-       A unique, cheap and non-consumerist driven way to cleanse the nasal passage.

 

So lament you paper tissue toting, planet destroying paranoid masses, and more importantly…

Next time you feel a tingle in your sinus…..Grab a hanky, and give yourself a PROPER blow job!’