Not Now, I'm Busy

Nintendo has what is arguably the strongest fanbase. For some people, Nintendo has always been there. From the humble beginnings of the NES in 1983, to the Nintendo 64 and it’s successor the Gamecube (who I think Nintendo has forgotten for decencies sake) til our present day hugely successful Wii and MASSIVELY successful DS.

However I didn’t study at VU (Viking University) to give a history lesson on the Wii. I majored in Rage and Destruction, so I want to use my tertiary education to express my opinion in a succinct and efficient manner that summarises all I feel for Nintendo.

FUCK YOU.

I went to purchase Mario Kart today, despite my aversion to the Mario franchise and Nintendo, because it was a gift for someone (that will require a WHOLE article in itself). The purchasing process started out as usual, I threatened staff with the Gentle Beauty (my double-headed axe) and manly body odour until they ushered me on trembling knees to the Wii section. The first thing I noticed was the Mario and Wii wheel pack. I didn’t smile as I picked up the shamelessly plastic and patronising box. The not-smile developed into a full blown grimace when I looked at the rows upon rows of shitty games that I couldn’t believe existed. Fishing. Doctor Who. Fifteen different types of banal JRPG’s.

I tried to compose myself and failed, and after I washed the blood off my arms and torso, I tried to compose myself again and succeeded in seeing the world in normal colour and not in deep red. Unfortunately, this didn’t last long because I stumbled straight into the DS section. More banal JRPG’s assaulted me. Memories of the trainwreck that was Nintendo’s ‘re-imagining’ of Final Fantasy 3 that looked, played and had NOTHING to do with the original haunted me while Nintendo’s remake of Final Fantasy IV laughed through their giant balloon heads at my inner turmoil and despair.

  <—— Seriously, wtf happened to his head?

From memory I saw three different types of Kart game for Nintendo. Mario Kart (for both DS and Wii), Sonic racers and Diddy Kong Kart.

Is Nintendo so devoid of creativity that they really couldn’t think of ANY OTHER CHARACTERS WHO HAD THE MOTOR FUNCTIONS TO RACE KARTS!?

After the screaming stopped, my vision returned to normal and I wiped the entrails off my axe, I purchased Mario Kart.

Some of you are probably thinking, ‘But Viking Gamer, if you hate Nintendo so much why do you buy their god-awful rubbish?’

Well puny mortals, it turns out the Wii does on thing, not well, granted, but one thing. It has an alright multiplayer.

When I say alright, if you took away the fact their games allow several people in the same room to play at once, the Wii would literally have nothing to boast. The Nun-chucks make you flap your arms like a Viking standing tip toe, balancing an obese penguin on his head on the tip of a particularly unstable iceberg, and every chance Nintendo has to give the ‘Classic’ remotes with a game they endeavour to do so. This has been true of Golden Eye, Monster Hunter and Smash Bros, all games which people ACTUALLY MIGHT WANT TO PLAY.

I had to ask myself whether I was angry at Nintendo or at other consoles for not taking same-room gaming into the equation. But I’ve decided to stick to Nintendo for two reasons.

1. There is no excuse for using the SAME characters for the SAME games OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
2. Monster Hunter 3 was easily the most horrible gaming experience I’ve ever had. And I’ve played Superman 64.

Also and more to the point, the other systems have things going for them; such as graphics, controllers ACTUALLY working (but sometimes not you Xbox, you prick), relatively (compared to the Wii at any rate) easy system to add friends with, fast and easy online gaming, Playstation Move which shits all over the Wii remote, Kinect which has the potential to also release a brown and smelly fluid all over the Wii remotes as well as DECENT AND ORIGINAL GAMES.

If I was in Nintendo HQ right now I would Dragon Punch it into a black hole, where not even the 150th reincarnation of Mario could escape.

I’m giving Nintendo 5 out of 5 rage-strokes.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.